I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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