HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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