You really coming over, don't trick.
I can text with my tongue
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
