Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
