Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
