I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My vagina just clenched in fear
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
