i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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