my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
