I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
