When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
