His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
