We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I looked at my own cervix.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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