just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
