Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
