i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
