At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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