Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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