we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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