I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
