I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
