An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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