When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
