Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
