Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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