Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
