There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize