If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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