That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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