Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
