Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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