Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
