You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
