Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
