Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
