I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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