So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude i'm inner monologue high
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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