I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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