i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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