at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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