my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
