my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
