yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
