you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
