its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
