I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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