i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
