Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I touched a dick in church today
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
