i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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