why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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