He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize