My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
