My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize