i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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