I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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