On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
