Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
