so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
