didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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