glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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