I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
