My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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