Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize