No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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